I have a confession:
When my life did a 180 and we moved so I could teach yoga on Maui, I
felt like a complete fraud. What kind of
nerve did I have teaching asana and pranayama if I had disregarded some of the
most basic philosophical concepts of Patanjali’s astanga yoga? The relationship with my partner and best
friend of twenty-two years was damaged probably beyond repair by my harmful
actions, and I’m supposed to teach ahimsa?!?
This Sanskrit word doesn’t have a perfect English translation, but it roughly
means non-violence. Most people expand
the definition to include thoughts as well as deeds, so you can see the dilemma
I faced. How would I ever retain
students once they learned what a poser I really was?
Well it turns out that, as usual, I was much harder on
myself than anyone else would ever be.
As far as I know, not one of my students has judged me based on my past
mistakes and transgressions. Most people
are simply too busy trying to sort out their own ego, greed and shame to throw
me out on the compost pile of naughty yoga teachers. And to be fair to myself, I wasn’t as
familiar with the yamas and niyamas before I studied for my teacher
training. However, most of these ethical
precepts are basically common sense, and sometimes I’ve really been lacking in
self-monitoring the extent of the reach of my actions and thoughts.
Awareness, as usual, developed first. Noticing the effects of speaking without
fully vetting what I was saying, I saw how my shortness could be interpreted as
rude or pompous. It’s still hard for me
not to be a know-it-all, but sometimes I can actually let a conversation
continue without interrupting to set the record straight. Letting go of control just enough to listen
attentively without preparing an anecdote at the same time is a little
easier. Truly staying present in the
here and now to try and understand what others are feeling and believing, and as
a result noticing that I can more easily appreciate other peoples
opinions.
The more I cultivate this notion of ahimsa toward myself,
the easier it is for me to be kinder to others.
I haven’t completely forgiven myself for my hurtful actions three years
ago, but now every time I think about how awfully I behaved, I bring my
thoughts around to gratitude. I feel thankfulness
that I connected with David, and that we love each other faults and all. I’m grateful that his grown children are a
big part of his life and therefore mine.
I never wanted kids until I met Dave’s three sons and saw how much they
love each other. He lights up every time
they chat on hangouts, and it became obvious to me a little over a year ago
that I have an urge to experience parenthood with him. I don’t feel like a fraud anymore in any part
of my life thanks to love.
#kaleandcigarettes #500wordsaday #yogaawareness
