My middle childhood ended this past year.  I wish I could name a specific day, but it just hasn't felt that way.  Sure I've felt shifts, big time.  But it's been the synergy of mindbody awareness & amazing bodywork that keep me on an even keel, and allow me to accept the changes that are going on.

Recently, a massage therapist worked harder on me, but because I kept breathing through the work, I walked out of there smiling.  My pain is all a mirage anyway.  I would really like to just let it go.  So, in treatments, every breath is focused on that.  My incredible masseur even had to retreat a couple times because of the crazy energy I have to release.  Bless him, and all the awesome caregivers that help me feel aware & present, allowing me to heal my body, mind & soul.

What interests me about this particular challenge of living, is how some people can get really good at letting go. For instance, when I moved onto the sailboat, I gave away almost everything.  Lots of stuff just wouldn't fit aboard.  So I methodically went through my belongings, culling like a rancher intent on only having the best stock.  What kitchen tools serve at least 2 purposes?  What clothes really work on a boat?  What toys truly bring me joy?  It was easy and fun.  My craziest life adventure to that date was about to start and I couldn't wait to rid myself of unnecessary baggage.  It was all just stuff that I was happy to shed.

Shedding painful memories is a very different story.  I know it doesn't serve me to remember past suffering.  I know it only leads to more suffering.  But my brain allows my ego to drive with cruise control stuck on me.  Silly triggers tip me into paranoia, and my old habits of assuming I'm the star of every melodrama my overactive imagination can conceive just make me act out unnecessarily.  So, every moment I will myself to think positively and live in the now.  Urging aside my overgrown ego with loving-kindness I focus on breathing calmly and try to “let go of the fluctuations of my mind” as one of my teachers says.   Sometimes I find a serene state and I am incredibly thankful.  

I feel this way when I practice yoga with awareness.  Closing my eyes and feeling my breath carry me and guide me in the postures, my small mind turns mute.  All I can hear is my smooth, deep breaths fine-tuning my awareness, and the silence of the pauses between the inhale and exhale where I sense peace.  My challenge is carrying this peaceful awareness off the mat, and into everyday life.  I can accomplish this one breath at a time.