Sailing and Yoga Philosophy

Reflections of the Pacific Northwest

Sliding into the 104 degree hot tub, I marvel once again at how wonderfully therapeutic this can feel.  As I ease back into the molded contours, my eyes contemplate the breaking dawn sky, and a bald eagle flies overhead.  Silently intent on the morning bite, they glide down the valley from somewhere up river.  I’m almost jealous of this imagined dark green aerie deep in the Dosewallips wilderness where they can escape to relative safety and solitude.  Then I remember that I am here, in a pool of hot water surrounded by the beauty of this arboretum, gazing into the eyes of my beloved.  Everything is great. 

Later, hiking up Mt. Walker, I easily flow into my rambling stream of consciousness mind state.  I realize I’m recalling one of the messages of Patanjali’s Yoga Sutra.  To paraphrase: when you recognize that life is flowing smoothly, this is an opportunity to develop further resilience and flexibility, so the next time you’re challenged as a result of your lingering preconceived impressions, you can make a less drastic course correction to return smoothly to balance.  I keep coming back to this beginning yoga philosophy concept, because I think I’m really starting to discover the benefits of recognizing, breath by breath, whether I’m living in the present.  The more often I realize I’m feeling grateful and honor my gratitude practice, the easier it is for me to stay in this all accepting frame of mind.  It’s a beautifully positive reaffirmation loop that feels serenely exciting.

I’m still slipping a little into the past.  It’s my joyful remembrances that I’ve been meaning to record, and I’m getting them down now, so they may soon depart my still amazingly elephantine brain.  I realize I also have the patchy selective memory of a voyaging sailor.  Somehow, the sluggishly slow almost dark no engine bucking the tide rocky channels fade into the background as the sunset kissing picnic 9.6 knots in Lama Passage catching Coho while a humpback dives below shine bright.  I kept reams of logistical notes, so my intention is to write a somewhat guide for northwest coastal cruising, plus include entries from my personal journal revealing the wild emotional state that is surprisingly calmed by wilderness.  So far, I do feel lighter writing this story, and I hope you will eventually enjoy reading about some adventures of Shilshole liveaboards en route.

Bungee Jumping over the Simultaneous Climax cruiser sketch by Noj

Sailing and yoga philosophy are actually quite similar.  If attention wanders while you’re steering, you may end up making a longer passage, or even worse, ending up on some rocks or reef just because an earlier course correction wasn’t completed.  If instead the driver knows position on the chart, and follows the tell tails and steers to the wind and water, the boat and crew may enjoy a comfortable and more efficient ride.  Great sailors recognize that no matter how many times they’ve been on the water, there is always more to learn, and the conditions you’re presented with this moment will probably never be completely replicated, but they will help you grow.  That’s why we practice.  Both on the water and the mat, the more you do it, the steadier you can keep your awareness on the task at hand leading to a balanced boat and life.  So I practice, everyday.  I prepare, and I tune into my awareness.  Then I listen.  So often, the message is love, and that makes me feel so wonderful that I radiate this powerful emotion back out into our universe.  I hope you feel it.  Aloha.

Happy New Year!!!

As my DeDa used to say, "today is the first day of the rest of your life; happy new year!!!"

I logged an entry into my personal journal today.  My writing ritual closes with a random peek back at a previous exercise.  Sometimes, there is a connection.  Which isn’t that unlikely considering I’m the only writer and I’ve been exploring some of the same themes my entire life.  Other times, the synchronicity is worth sharing, like today.  As many of you know today is Samhain in the Celtic tradition, which I don’t necessarily follow so much as get, if you know what I mean.  Anyway, it became Halloween as a night to let it all hang out before All Saints Day, cause the Catholic clergy knew the best way to attract congregants was to simply adopt their already existing holy nights and polish them up with a new name.  Come party with us, we have wine and incence!!! 

I connect with the older notion of this being a night of closure and renewal.  In the Celtic calendar, these last few nights have comprised their 13^th month and tonight is New Year’s Eve.  My journal entry that I looked back on from earlier this year happened to be from the Lunar New Year.  There is no doubt in my mind that the universe helped me to this list so I could see how well I’ve done.  I’ve notated what I’ve accomplished with a þ and (explained what I’m still challenged with).  I hope you enjoy this slice of my personal journey.  I love it when y’all comment cause then I know you really care enough to share your feelings too, but no pressure.  Aloha.

Journal Entry 2/22/15

Finally coming to the Lunar New Year…PHEW!  I totally understand, after the fact, how crazy this horsey ride has been.  Way too strong-willed toward the end.  Racing to get back to the barn before it gets burned down.  Ready for the goat: social, herding, ungulates – right up my alley, except for their crazy eyes.  Anyway, if I did want to realize this animals potential in my life, I suppose I should be looking at not head butting anyone, but also getting out in the larger Maui community more.

My wishes for the New Year are:

1.     Realize my personal power as an accomplished teacher and find more gigs.þ

2.     Continue my newfound healthy lifestyle, including making love with my partner everyday. þ

3.     Increase my inner resiliency with a continued effort at tubing every night and mindfully applying self-acupressure and self-study. þ

4.     Help David become financially successful. (Now modified to allow me to practice observing things I can’t control without trying to fix them)

5.     Customize our home and garden harmoniously. þ

6.     Keep watching my prickly-meter so I can live a drama free life. þ

7.     Let Noj go even more. (Still hard, especially this trip; but I’m trying, really)

8.     Make beautiful triplets.  (Having fun trying)

9.     Visit family, far and near. þ

By the grace of my will I truly desire these things, and however they choose to manifest, I will gratefully receive them. 

TTC 31 Years Post-Menarche

You know the memories that are so deeply impressed in your mind that there is no question they will ever fade?  I’d like to share with you the slightly mortifying story of my first menstrual cycle and how that shaped my personal views of AF (Aunt Flo), until just two years ago when I felt my very first longings to have children.  

If you’re still reading, the story begins at Lakeside Middle School in Irvine California.  I was in 8^th grade the fall of 1984, and it was just before my 13^th birthday.   Changing after gym class on Friday afternoon, I realized my shorts and underwear were period soaked.   My first thoughts were about how lucky I’d been to have on dark colors so the blood was unobserved.  I knew what was happening, but I wasn’t prepared and I was terrified of the gym teacher, so I stuffed tp in my pants and went on to class.  I think the shock of this slightly unwelcome intrusion of my burgeoning fertility kept me from feeling the initial cramps, but by the time school was out, I was uncomfortable and still slightly baffled.

You see, I was scheduled to climb Mt. Whitney that weekend with my Dad and little brother, and my Mom was already out of town at a Girl Scout event.  There was no way in hell I was going to talk to my Dad about what to do.  (In fact, Dad, if you’re reading this, please don’t ever tell me that you did.)  Anyway, I somehow survived the hike using tp, and Mitch got the two of us a reprieve from summiting when he had difficulties with altitude sickness.  There’s a shot of us feeding the camp birds the morning Dad summited.   It was nice to be still in our camp and observe the hustle and bustle of the many other climbers.

I remember the movement helping, and I loved backpacking back then, so the feeling of the hip strap may have been supportive and comforting.  I also remember being greatly relieved when we returned to civilization and indoor plumbing.  Even before my Mom got home, I had found the instructions in a box of tampons and successfully stemmed the tide of AF.  But I can’t help but wonder: if that life transition had been honored and celebrated instead of hidden, would I have valued my fertility in the way I now know it deserves?

It has only been two years since I started welcoming AF with joy, and secondary signs of fertility with excitement.  Most of my cycles were accompanied by extreme cramping that I now realize was a symptom of out of balance hormones.  I was a drama queen until I finally became aware of the ill effects I was causing myself.   My parents calling me Sarah Bernhardt when I threw tantrums as a child only made me react more.  I’ve learned stress control the hard way as I’ve tweaked my functional and emotional systems through trial and error with mostly allergen-free diet and mindful exercise, mostly yoga, walking and swimming.

However, for the majority of my adult life, I was partnered with, and behaved like an adult child, and I felt completely unprepared to care for real babies so I did everything in my power to avoid getting pregnant.  When I did accidentally conceive, there was no discussion about whether or not to carry to term.  We could barely take care of ourselves; we would be train wrecks of parents.  Some physical discomfort was endured in exchange for continuing our chosen lifestyle.  It seemed like the right choice.

Unfortunately, there was emotional trauma that didn’t get voiced or worked through.  I realize now that I didn’t even consult my ex or ask how he felt.  I went to him with my solution, and probably didn’t even ask for comments or suggestions.  Even though it was my body and my life, I now see that was callous, as was my horrific treatment of that precious unborn life.  What I can hardly believe looking back, is that I messed up twice more, and each time confirmed that I still didn’t consider us fit for parenthood.   I tried to question my ambivalence and attempted to turn my awareness up, but I didn’t feel a connection to those literally ill conceived fetuses.  I couldn’t envision a life with children of my ex.

Why were we together?  I think we truly enjoyed each other’s presence for a long time, most of 22 years.  We had common interests and hobbies; more like best friends than passionate mates, usually.  Settled, and ever so slightly stuck, but not uncomfortably, really.  The second half of our partnership was aboard a sailboat, so the energy always quickly refreshed if we happened to have a disagreement.  But we just slowly stopped connecting at all, unless we went away together, and then everything would seem great.   But it really wasn’t, so we broke up.  After all, there were no children to tie us together. 

Now I’ve built a successful relationship with a man who cares so much about my well being that I feel pampered into compliance with challenging preconception protocol.  And I realize if we want to make a great baby, we need a healthy vessel and conduit.  Shortly after meeting my new partner’s adult children, I knew I wanted to have his kids if I could.  I shared this desire, and of course my amazing partner (AP) agreed that it would be fun.  What a cool guy!  So here we are two years after that first decision to reverse his vasectomy.  On August 25 this year, the surgeon performed a vasoepididymostomy, where the vas deferens is surgically reattached directly to the epididymis.   AP healed up quick and clean, like a young dog, and could hardly wait out his two-week doctor’s ordered celibacy.

In the meantime, I’m working with a team of providers to smooth out my hormonal systems and thus replenish my ability to make and carry a baby to term.  Positive changes, even small ones, keep us motivated to stay on track with healthy, sustainable habits.  Cramps and stress are easing when I remember to follow my recommended courses of treatment and actions, and I’m settling into the magic baby journey.  I’m not feeling rushed as we cast off on this voyage together.  It’s taken me more than twenty years to embrace this adventure and I’m steady and ready.

ahimsa from love

I have a confession:  When my life did a 180 and we moved so I could teach yoga on Maui, I felt like a complete fraud.  What kind of nerve did I have teaching asana and pranayama if I had disregarded some of the most basic philosophical concepts of Patanjali’s astanga yoga?  The relationship with my partner and best friend of twenty-two years was damaged probably beyond repair by my harmful actions, and I’m supposed to teach ahimsa?!?  This Sanskrit word doesn’t have a perfect English translation, but it roughly means non-violence.  Most people expand the definition to include thoughts as well as deeds, so you can see the dilemma I faced.  How would I ever retain students once they learned what a poser I really was?

Well it turns out that, as usual, I was much harder on myself than anyone else would ever be.  As far as I know, not one of my students has judged me based on my past mistakes and transgressions.  Most people are simply too busy trying to sort out their own ego, greed and shame to throw me out on the compost pile of naughty yoga teachers.  And to be fair to myself, I wasn’t as familiar with the yamas and niyamas before I studied for my teacher training.  However, most of these ethical precepts are basically common sense, and sometimes I’ve really been lacking in self-monitoring the extent of the reach of my actions and thoughts. 

Awareness, as usual, developed first.  Noticing the effects of speaking without fully vetting what I was saying, I saw how my shortness could be interpreted as rude or pompous.  It’s still hard for me not to be a know-it-all, but sometimes I can actually let a conversation continue without interrupting to set the record straight.  Letting go of control just enough to listen attentively without preparing an anecdote at the same time is a little easier.  Truly staying present in the here and now to try and understand what others are feeling and believing, and as a result noticing that I can more easily appreciate other peoples opinions. 

The more I cultivate this notion of ahimsa toward myself, the easier it is for me to be kinder to others.  I haven’t completely forgiven myself for my hurtful actions three years ago, but now every time I think about how awfully I behaved, I bring my thoughts around to gratitude.  I feel thankfulness that I connected with David, and that we love each other faults and all.  I’m grateful that his grown children are a big part of his life and therefore mine.  I never wanted kids until I met Dave’s three sons and saw how much they love each other.  He lights up every time they chat on hangouts, and it became obvious to me a little over a year ago that I have an urge to experience parenthood with him.  I don’t feel like a fraud anymore in any part of my life thanks to love.

#kaleandcigarettes #500wordsaday #yogaawareness